I came and ate your fancy food.
It didn’t mean to rob you of your gourmet gummies.
I was just looking for lunch.
My greedy talons took your snacks–
which you had purchased the night ‘fore
–I was compelled by the spirit of my own wanton gut.
Yes, how disgusting am I, and people like me:
a cancer on faithful, law-abiding citizens everywhere who purchase overpriced pasta.
I must confess, I don’t like vegetables and plants.
I almost considered leaving your hipster harvest salad alone;
I did not.
It was good.
It was an experience, and it changed me.
I’m going vegan– no lie!
My plea is that you have mercy on my hungry, humble soul.
I swear, I tried to think smartly,
but the mounting pains in my belly took over!
I became something I don’t ever want to be:
The Food-Stealing Roommate.