Testimony of The Food-Stealing Roommate

I came and ate your fancy food.

It didn’t mean to rob you of your gourmet gummies.

I was just looking for lunch.

 

My greedy talons took your snacks–

which you had purchased the night ‘fore

–I was compelled by the spirit of my own wanton gut.

Yes, how disgusting am I, and people like me:

a cancer on faithful, law-abiding citizens everywhere who purchase overpriced pasta.

 

I must confess, I don’t like vegetables and plants.

I almost considered leaving your hipster harvest salad alone;

I did not.

It was good.

It was an experience, and it changed me.

I’m going vegan– no lie!

 

My plea is that you have mercy on my hungry, humble soul.

I swear, I tried to think smartly,

but the mounting pains in my belly took over!

I became something I don’t ever want to be:

The Food-Stealing Roommate.

The Great Canadian Potato (Am I a Food Genius?)

I just took a baked potato out of the fridge, split it and half, and poured maple syrup on it.  Starchy and sweet, it’s a delicious oddity.  I call it: The Great Canadian Potato.

The Great Canadian Potato

Ingredients:

  • 1 Potato
  • Some maple syrup
  • Bacon bits(?)

Instructions:

  Take a baked potato and cut it in half.  You can either serve it warm or serve it chilled.  Pour maple syrup on top. Add any other condiments on top, I think some bacon bits would be great.  And there you have it: The Great Canadian Potato!

Walmart, let’s get in touch!

Walmart should sell a “Confidence Kit” in the women’s undergarments section. The Confidence Kit includes: control-top tights, a push-up bra, mascara, and red-tinted cherry lip balm.

I could really use this after binging on that Tarte au Sucre last night.

Websites You Didn’t Know You Needed

  1. drinkify.org

    “We take no responsibility for your poor, poor liver.”  Drinkify.org

    drinkify.org  Suggests an adult beverage based on the music you’re listening to.

  2. www.payphonebox.com  Find payphones all over the world and call them up!
  3. robotandhuman.neocities.org  A minimalist webcomic for nerds and techies.
  4. www.poseurpatrol.com  A webcomic about goths and their run-ins with poseurs.
  5. clouds.neocities.org  Quotes. On clouds. What more could a girl ask for?

    Poseur Patrol

    Poseur Patrol by Merrily Duffy

  6. www.metal-archives.com  A classic resource used by metalheads, but still a goodie.
  7. www.cutoutandkeep.net  My favorite site for all things DIY.
  8. dragonquest.neocities.org  It’s a video game???

 

Have a link you think deserves to be on the list? Comment below!

My Top Tip for a Happy New Year

Pro-Tip: Saying something negative about how skinny or how little someone eats when they have an eating disorder doesn’t magically make them love themselves.

It seems most people have forgotten how feelings and sympathy work. Even if nobody says it, just the belief that “punishing” someone with an eating disorder by telling them they look scrawny will somehow “fix” the situation is a pretty damaging one. Imagine how embarrassed and ashamed that person feels when they hear a comment like,”ew, you look like a skeleton.”

Put yourself in his or her shoes. I’m sure if you were told you looked like a skeleton, you’d feel pretty hideous(did you see that oxymoron there?). If it were any other perceived flaw, people would see it as a form of bullying.  Having terrible acne comes to mind as a comparable state. Those mean comments that are sometimes excused as trying to be helpful is bullying in disguise.

Another oft forgotten thing is that this weight loss is the result of being sick.  Consider this; is it socially acceptable to put someone down because they’re missing a limb as a result of an illness, like cancer?  It goes without saying that that would be shunned immediately. Looking “skeleton-like” comes from emotional turmoil and low self-esteem. It comes from a realdiagnosable sickness.

Empathy is a good start. Next, you should realize that disordered eating is everywhere.  There are people you know who look “a little on the small side,” but not like the dramatic pictures you’ve seen on the Internet.  Disordered eating is different from an eating disorder. Men and women of all ages can have unhealthy relationships with food.  People of all sorts can hate themselves, too. Not all people with disordered eating are diagnosed, anorexic teen aged girls, as the stereotype is usually portrayed in popular media. The best policy is to be kind and nurturing. The old adage,”if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” applies here.

With all this in mind, the new year can be the year we eradicate this backwards thinking. I hope to see people call others out when this sort of behaviour takes place. Take care of yourselves, take care of each-other, and have a happy 2016.

No Starbucks: Homemade Candy Cane Coffee

If you’re anything like me, you have bowls of mini candy canes all around your house post-Christmas. Also, like most people, you probably drink coffee in the morning. I present to you: How to get Diabetes while Drinking Coffee that tastes Delicious!

Supplies:

  • 1 mini candy cane (these can be bought in bulk at stores like Bulk Barn or in bags/boxes at Wal-Mart around Christmas time)
  • 1o liquid Ounces of your favorite dark or medium roast coffee
  • Cream or milk
  • 1 spoon

Directions:

  1. Make a hot 10 oz. cup of coffee. Don’t use instant–that’s nasty!
  2. Unwrap candy cane and put into the cup of coffee.
  3. Carefully stir the coffee and candy cane concoction until the candy cane is all melted.
  4. Add approximately two Tablespoons of cream or milk to the coffee. Stir the coffee until the cream/milk is all mixed in.
  5. Enjoy drinking your chic coffee from your reusable mug, smugly grinning at your co-workers who go to Tim Horton’s and Starbucks.  Well aren’t you fancy?

Read more about my coffee experience!

It Tastes Like Salad Dressing!

It’s likely you’ve made some New Year’s resolutions–you know; be smarter, more attractive, exercise, etc. Well, I’ve been bothered by my yellowy teeth for some time. It’s probably a pretty common point of embarrassment for many people–especially women who like to wear bright red lipstick!

In my travels across the web, I came across a DIY home-whitening treatment made with just Olive Oil and Apple Cider Vinegar. These are the instructions from healthytricks.net:

 “Olive oil and apple cider vinegar will always be in your kitchen, so it’s worth trying a homemade teeth whitening treatment. Mix a teaspoon of olive oil and a teaspoon of apple cider vinegar in a bowl. Enter your toothbrush in the mixture, then brush your teeth with it. You can repeat the procedure until you finish the entire mixture. Your teeth will be noticeably whiter, cleaner and brighter. Olive oil takes care of your gums and teeth and it clean  very good(sic) the spaces between teeth and vinegar removes stains, odors and even bacteria.”

Source

I followed the instructions to the letter. This is an account of my thoughts during the procedure:

This thing smells good. Like vinegar. And olive oil.

So, I guess I just dip my toothbrush into this bowl, right? Okay…

Then I just brush my teeth like normal now, right? 

Oh, wow.  It tastes like salad dresssing.

Oh gosh, it’s like I just drank straight Vinaigrette… Do I have to keep this in my mouth?

It’s starting to overflow. Oh god… The drool, the saliva! Somebody get a towel!

 Are my teeth whiter? Ummm… not really. But my gums feel fresh. And my mouth tastes like olive oil. And my gums are bleeding. I don’t know what that says about me, but… I brush my teeth often, I swear!

In summary: my gums feel clean, my teeth feel like I’ve washed them with acid, and my breath smells like olive oil. I was expecting whiter teeth, but that didn’t really happen. They’re minimally whiter–you might have to do this a few times to see a great effect. I’ve resigned from my quest for whiter teeth, and say to toothy people everywhere: don’t bother!(Unless you go to the dentist and they do a professional whitening for you. That would probably work well.)

What are your New Year’s resolutions? You can read mine here: Untimely Resolutions. Do you have a good home-remedy for yellow teeth? Maybe you’ve done some silly things in pursuit of beauty before–tell me about it in the comments! You rock, you reader-of-blogs, you! 😛